No matter how many times people teach us to do better, we usually have to learn our lessons the hard way in order to have them really sink in. Regardless of how many times my parents told me that I should learn the value of being morally, spiritually and socially responsible in all my ways. A reminder that would just passed from one ear to another sometimes too boring as considered monotonous and routine.
When I was in fourth year high school, the only thing which my mother asked me was to be in the honor’s list. She was so frustrated then because I was not able to maintain my grades due to tardiness. I was a late riser. I was always late in going to school which resulted to C- grade and I was suspended every school for tardiness.
Over the last two months I’ve come to realize that for the last 19 years I have had absolutely no clue how to love myself. I thought that sacrificing myself, my desires, my dreams was the way to happiness. I grew up with this strange notion that my voice wasn’t the one that was important. Other people knew better than I did what was good for me, so I went along with whatever “they” said. It’s no wonder I was lonely, depressed, miserable and confused. I hadn’t learned to listen to myself. I am finally learning now that loving isn’t about sacrifice; it’s about giving and tuning into what feels good.
I’m talking about connected, spiritual “feels good.” Healthy, Balance, Open, Compassionate or the highest and best good of service to others.
When I don’t take care of me by staying up late, keeping my truth to myself, eating crappy food, spending more money than I have, doing activities that I’d rather not do. I turn into a major crap. I become completely useless to the people around me. I thought that I am matured enough to managed my self because I am more independent and more responsible than my siblings. I am scolded whenever I went home late having fun with friends such as malling, shopping, eat out, etc. without asking permission because I often forget to ask permission ahead of time. My weakness is that I have no savings like my brother because I am easily attracted to nice things that I tend to overspend.
This co-dependent thing runs really deep. REALLY deep. I can no longer allow myself to live a truth other than my own. If I don’t want to do something, then I don’t need to do it. If I want to do something, that is what I’ll do. It’s not about living someone else’s life anymore, it’s about living mine.
Every experience I’ve been in has led me back to myself. All along, It is me I have been looking for. Only until now I didn’t realize that. I stand here, in front of you, at 11:40 in the morning, and am so grateful to be where I am. To realize that I AM worth it. It’s who I am. It’s what I do. When I act lovingly toward myself, I am able to act lovingly toward others. It’s all about me. It really is. I am responsible for giving me everything I need. I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my life. I am responsible for my emotions. I am responsible for my experience. I am responsible for my perception. And part of that is incredibly loving into what I think and speak toward myself.
There have been numerous bits of wisdom that I have had to learn the hard way. Some have been more serious. But they have all learned as a result of my moments of ignorance, stupidity, or just plain stubbornness. But as I keep learning how to step back in my life. I am discovering more and more that many lessons are good not to learn through personal experience. As my high school classmate and neighbor got pregnant, I recalled the phrase in one of my favorite book that “a smart person learns from his own mistakes, but a truly wise person can learn from the mistakes of others.”
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